The Family that isn’t Family…

My family doesn’t feel like my family anymore…. and it is especially hard to think about around the holiday season when I start reminiscing about Thanksgivings and Christmas past. I wish that time could reverse back to when I was a little girl and Christmas morning still had that magical feeling. I have no idea what it is going to feel like now: sad, depressing, like it is missing a crucial piece? Will it always be like this??

I’ve come to understand that just because someone has the same last name as you or you carries the same blood doesn’t make them family. Having relatives isn’t everything and family doesn’t always come first… in fact….

Family is a title that should be earned, not given.

“Family” is something that people learn about at birth.

Their parents are their family, their grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins are all family. Growing up we consider these people as the closest people to us, the people who will be there for us through everything, never leaving our side. Well, that isn’t always the case. People change, people leave, and just because people are considered your “family” doesn’t mean that they won’t hurt you.

I’m not saying that everyone’s family will hurt them, but just because they are blood relatives, that doesn’t mean that they will always be by your side and there for you. When my parents got divorced I felt like I being forced to choose a side of my family, and ever since I feel like one side of my family judges me/dislikes me for making a decision based purely on the fact I didn’t want to uproot my entire life again.

They were always there for me, they cared about me and they made me laugh. They also were there when I did things wrong and needed to get punished. They were the ones that were there for me and helped me grow into the person I am today. However, things change, sometimes we lose the people we consider the closest to us… things happen.

Yeah, I still see what’s going on in their lives through social media or hear it “through the grapevine,” but it isn’t the same. I look at all the old photos of us and just think of how things used to be… and it sucks. It’s no one’s fault I understand that. Yes, I could have fought harder to stay in their lives and be an actually part of it. But do you know how emotionally hard it is to put everything you have into something or someone who honestly just doesn’t seem interested.

So people move on, life moves on, and we need to accept that sometimes we lose people we love along the way. I know they still care even when they don’t show it, and it means so much to me that they do and if the don’t I hold onto the hope that a part of them still does, but they’ve moved on. They have their own families now and new lives and I’m becoming okay with not being a part of it.

I know they would never in a million years do anything to hurt me, but right now I need them to know that I am hurting and mostly because they choose to not stand by and support me. I also need them to know I have forgiven and understand why they made that choice, but I’m not ready to let them into that part of my life again. They still cross my mind and I know (or at least I hope) I still cross their minds every once in a while.

I see all the new and exciting things happening in all their lives and it makes me so happy for them! I can’t believe how long it’s been since all the summers playing in the backyard, all the holiday get togethers, trying to hide cousins in the closet so they couldn’t leave, and just all the time spent together laughing and feeling like a real family and I miss it!

I want y’all to know you all left such an important mark on my life and really helped me become who I am. All I can say is thank you and that you’ll always be a part of my “family.”. Who knows maybe one day things will be different, maybe our kids will play together and try to hide each in their closets. But for now know that I pray for you, I still care for you, and I’m always here!!

Trying to Date in 2017!!!

I get it.

Social Media has gained a huge platform in the last few years and we spend more time browsing the internet, creeping on others “perfect lives” that we obsess over creating one for ourselves.

Pinterest has presented the fad that marriage must become a staple in our lives and Instagram has become a place of, if we aren’t posting romantic pictures on social media, then we’re missing out and falling behind with “the times”.

Personally, for me, I am old fashioned. I want to be pursued, courtship, meet-the-parents, “in the name of the Father, Son and Holy spirit, church bells ring-type of relationship gal, that’s me and if that’s just now how you do things, that OK too!

However, I gotta say… I’m exhausted.

Our generation has become compulsively obsessed with the simple idea of love and relationships that we feel the need to either be in one or help our single friends find “the one”.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think there is one perfect person out there for everyone and I don’t mean perfect in the literal sense; I mean perfect in the aspect that, this one person compliments your life in such a way that life is better together.

I believe marriage is a calling, just as much as it is to be single.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been set up within the last year, how many times I agreed to be set up on a blind date, knowing in my heart it’s not what I wanted, I couldn’t tell you how many times within the last year, I have had to be the jerk who puts guys in the friend zone because I knew deep down it wasn’t right nor was it a desire I possessed, to pursue a relationship.

At that point, dating no longer was something exciting, something I looked forward to. It felt like I was caving into the social pressure that I MUST find the one and settle down.

Dating felt more like a chore than an exciting part of my life.

Our generation already gets so much hate but we have got to stop idolizing the idea of relationships, we have to stop telling our friends to find someone to “talk to” or to settle for that “one” because he’s/she’s not that bad and there’s no “good guys/girls left” nowadays.

Don’t settle. Don’t compromise but we have got to stop pursuing a relationship or setting our friends up on blind dates because relationships are what’s trending.

The “politics” of dating in our generation has turned into something forceful, no longer enjoyable by either party. Each individual caves to the pressure of dating because the majority thinks it’s what’s best for them.

Our mentality and message to the generation watching us is: if you’re not in a relationship, you’re not going to find happiness or be happy and better to find someone, anyone than no one at all. It’s turned dating from something fun and enjoyable to something most feel they have to do, not something we want to do.

We have dismissed the idea of courtship and said it’s no longer necessary. I don’t believe chivalry is dead but we sure aren’t doing much to let it live on.

We’ve exchanged dates for text messages and real relationships and monogamy for something that “we’re not putting a title on”.

We have identified trust as something that has to be displayed and pronounced as “Facebook official”.

We have identified acts of affection as how many likes we get on our pictures or if we post a picture at all.

We’ve replaced commitment with comprising, sometimes leading to physical and emotional forms of abuse.

Our generation needs to take a break.

We need to stop forcing relationships to happen and guilt-tripping others for choosing to be single.

Happiness isn’t synonymous to a relationship.

So whether single or in a relationship, be supportive, don’t be pushy!!

God is Breaking My Heart!!!

I don’t know how else to say it, there’s no boy, no one earthly person responsible for my heart being broken. It’s all God!

A year ago I sat down on my couch to fill out what I thought was gonna a life changing application, and for a brief moment I got excited and hopefully. I thought surely this is Gods will, nothing had ever lined up so perfectly. But after months of prayer and preparation I had only received the most devastating response I could’ve imagined. I felt as though my whole world was coming to a complete stop, and nothing no one said or did made any difference.. My heart was broken!

I’ve spent so much time since then trying to convince others and myself that I was fine, it didn’t really bother me. But that was such a bad lie. I even tried to move on and find a new dream, but every time something would happen or someone would say something that would strike the wrong cord and just like that it wouldn’t matter anymore.. for a minute I thought about saving my pennies to buy myself a new car!!! That was the shortest lived dream. My thought process was that maybe if I got a new car people would be proud of me, and believe more in me and that the next time I’d come to them with my heart they’d listen. But the second I told someone out laud it was if they all but laughed, saying in hushed tones that I would surely fail again.

Every time I’d try to talk to some one about how I was feeling the words would come out wrong, or they wouldn’t come at all! I felt selfish for letting this have such a hold me, I mean there are people around me who are suffering, and in need of help and here I am crying because I didn’t get my way. So it silly to talk about it, but they it started to almost eat at me from the inside out. To where I would wake up in the morning and want to cry, I’d struggle to smile through my work day, then come home and want to cry all over again. I held back the tears for so long that they just kinda started to sneak out, whether through laughter or me getting emotional watching TV, then one tonight I finally just let them flow!!

This whole thing, all this pain, and hurt, and loneliness I’ve felt over the last two months has thought me one thing… Maybe I need to be a little bit broken right now!! I know that God has a plan for all of this, there’s a reason, and a purpose, but right now I just need to be broken!! And I’m perfectly okay with that!! Psalms 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” That is going to be hope and prayer through all of this!! So for now let me be broken, understand that I am hurting, and that I don’t/can’t talk about it right now cause even I don’t know how I feel!! Give me time, and prayer, but not space…

Do I Care Too Much??

The question I ask myself all to often… And it has me thinking….

I love making people happy. I would do everything in my power to give others what they need, even if it means I’m stretching myself too thin.

But sometimes, it seems that all I do is give, and gain absolutely nothing in return.

A few weeks ago, one of my friends came to me in a time of need, and of course I dropped everything to be there, to comfort them, make sure they truly knew they weren’t alone.

In past relationships whether with a boy or just a friend, I’d kill myself trying to make sure they never feels alone or insecure or unloved.

I try immensely to make others happy.

I tried to reach out to someone I thought was a good friend and they completely ignored my calls and texts. Now I know what you may be thinking. Maybe they were busy, maybe something happened, maybe their phone is off.

No. Because this is not the first time this has happened. And not just by this person.

I thought, why do I care so much about this person, when they clearly don’t care for me? Why do I continuously put my heart on the line just to be hurt again. I wanted to be able to stop caring, stop trying, stop being the one who was always there but never had anyone in return. But then I had a realization.

I need to be a person who others can come to. The world needs people like that.

I’m here to tell you that you are worth the love you continue to give. Maybe you haven’t found the people who match your affection and giving. Maybe your friends don’t realize that you can’t always be the strong one, sometimes they need to drop things for you. Maybe it’s just not as easy for them to show their love like you show yours.

But please, never give up on loving and being there for people.

The world is full of too many hateful people. We have become a generation who thinks hiding their feelings is “cool” and that people who love too much are “annoying.” That stigma is the only thing that is annoying.

I would rather have friends check on the all the time, making sure I’m okay, that I don’t need anything, versus friends who could care less about my well-being. I would rather have someone throw all their cards on the table, telling me how they really feel about me, versus having to guess if I mean as much to them as they do to me.

If you have the ability to love someone unconditionally, completely, and without worry, then please don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too much.

The world needs more people like you. The world needs more love. The world needs more positivity.

And if you are lucky enough to have people who give unconditional love around you, hold on to them. They need your love too.

A Letter to My Future Husband

I’m not really sure how to begin this but here it goes…

Dear Somebody,

I want to start by saying writing this is something God has put on my heart to do. I feel as though I should also start by saying I need to ask for your forgiveness!

I have not lived a life worthy of being someone’s wife, I’ve failed to fully protect my heart from the things of this world, to not fall prey to the expectations this world sets. I fall short of Gods love, standards, and grace everyday! There is nothing I’ve done that makes me feel as though I deserve someone who will love, and cherish me for forever! And yet God has!!

The more I begin to wonder and think about the future the more scared I seem to become, I’ve seen and lived through things that make me terrified of the “what if’s” of life. Even though I know that if it be God’s will you’ll love me no matter what and always be there for me, there will always be a part of me that’s scared of the big/little things in life. For that I’m truly sorry!

I want to be someone worthy of your love, time, and life!!

I don’t know who you are at this point, I don’t even know if you really exist, maybe we’ve met, maybe we haven’t. I honestly don’t even know if marriage is something God has in His plan for me! But I pray He does!!

I pray for your daily spiritual growth above everything!! That your struggles be small, your blessings be beyond anything you can imagine, your body be healthy, your mind be cleansed daily! For your family to be strong in the Lord, for God to surround you with Godly, loving friends!! And for God’s love to be displayed in your life everyday to those who may or may not know you!! That your heart be open and willing to serve Him no matter the cost!

I pray our relationship will be centered around Christ and not us!! He is really all that matters, and I know that if we’ll follow his will and mold our relationship to fit God’s plan, design for marriage, I know we will be able to withstand anything together with Him! The worldly standards and exceptions of dating/marriage don’t mean anything to me, the material things of this life don’t last. I desire a relationship that goes beyond the material and reaches the sentimental and spiritual things.

I pray that God will begin preparing me for whatever He has for me/us in the future! That He’ll help me protect and save my whole heart for you and you only! For the trials that lay ahead, for the courage to face each day, for me to become someone whose every breath is for the service of our Lord. That everyone who meets me knows I serve the Risen King, and they see His love in me no matter what!! For the wisdom to make the right choices, because I know that the choices I make today can affect me/us in the future! That my heart is easier to forgive and love those who I may come in contact with.

And I pray He’ll begin preparing you for me/us! Preparing you for the real me that most people don’t see, for my past, for the emotional baggage that comes with me, for my over caring about the little things. For my sometimes short temper, for my impatience, and for the insanity that is the Mastriano/Speed family!!

I pray we’ll be ready for the financial struggles we’ll face. That we’ll fill our home with Christ love, mercy, and forgiveness, that we’ll follow the example of the more experienced Christians before us, and surround ourselves with like minded couples. That we love all of the little blessing God sees fit to give us, no matter by what means He sees fit to give them to us. That we always put God first in everything, even in the hard times.

I pray that if it be God’s will we’ll be the kind of parents who aren’t afraid to show affection to each other in front of our children, for its by example they’ll learn what True Love is, what it looks like, and what it means to Truly Love someone!! I want them always know their parents love Christ and each other!! To see our day to day lives being centered around Christ, and to know, and love Jesus above all else!

One day I hope to show this letter to you and I hope you’ll see the love being poured out from my heart in every word! I hope you’ll know that this isn’t something I take lightly, and that I truly mean every carefully thought out word!!

Your Future Wife,

Mariah Anne Mastriano

So I Worship Differently

Growing up I was thought that there was only one real way to worship God, when I got older I realized just how wrong that statement is!

This past week I went to a youth camp that my parents more than likely would not have let me go to growing up because there was a band. All week this same thought kept running through my head, “Why do some people believe worshiping is limited to a single kind of music??”. For a long time I even believed the same thing, that the only true form of worship was singing Hymns while a piano, and an organ play softly in the background. Any other form of “Worship” outside of that was wrong and not true worship, that if there was a band it was a rock concert and that you really can’t worship God in that way.

In the last five years God has revealed to me that not only does worship go beyond the music that is played and into the heart of the one singing the song! It’s just as easy to sing a hymn without truly praising God for who he is, as it is with any other kind of music. So when did singing hymns become the only way to worship God? I feel as though some times Christians can become so fixated on the act of worship, and trying to keep everything the way it was 300 years ago that we lose out on really worshiping God. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the way things were back then or how they are now, I just wish more Christians would realize that the same God who moved then is still moving now. God is not limited to one single form of praise. And that just changing the way you sing a song, or the way a song is played, or what instruments are used to play that song isn’t gonna make God suddenly stop moving among Christians. The only time it becomes an act and not worship is when ones heart isn’t in it for the right reasons, or maybe it just isn’t in it at all. A true genuine act of worship comes from the heart and a song!

No where in the bible does it say “You can only worship God in one way!” in fact it gives a few different ways you can worship God. Through song, good deeds, making disciples, serving God, tithes and offering. God calls us to Glorify Him with our hearts and lives. It’s like this, let’s say you have two churches located in the same town they both have the same beliefs, they both preach the same sound gospel,  you’re going to tell me that one church is wrong simply because they have a drum set?! Where is the logic?

I’m not in any way saying that how I choose to bring praise and worship is the only right way, I just want to know why Christians seem to only be allowed to worship in one way. I want churches to be able to come together and Worship the One who through His Sovereign Grace saved us from ourselves so that we can come together and Glorify and Worship Him and Him alone as the body of Christ! And to let such simple, petty things stand between that happening is foolish.

Ephesians 5:19″Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;”

Sorry if this offends you, or if it doesn’t make sense cause it’s so random and jumbled together at times. God put this on my heart and I wanted to share it as best as I could. If you have anything you’d like to say or add please feel welcome!! I want to know what my believers think about this topic.

Reasons I Pray for Him!!!

Every girl spends her life dreaming of her future husband. The man who will one day sweep her off of her feet and make her feel like she is the only girl in the world. This perfect man would be tall, dark, and handsome. He would be romantic and have a sense of humor. He would crack jokes with my dad, ,spend time getting to know my siblings. We spend our entire lives waiting for “him.” But instead of waiting, maybe we should be preparing!

Some people may think it’s crazy to pray for someone you don’t know, I personal think it’s crazy not too. I have found that by praying and writing down my feels, hopes, and dreams helps me be content with where my life is right now. Having an outlet has helped me through the personal struggles I have faced watching friends get boyfriends, married, and start their families while I seem to just stand back and watch. I know I’m still young and that there is plenty of time for all of that to happen to me, it’s just hard some times to think about where I want/feel where my life should be only to be reminded that it’s not there yet.

One of the best outlets for me has been prayer, knowing that I can go to the One person who knows me better than me and just pour my heart out to Him in a way I can’t to anyone else has helped me be more real and open with my heart. there’s a feeling of peace and contentment that I only get through prayer and reading my bible, a reassurance that God has everything in His plan. He knows that as ready as I am in my mind for that part of my life to begin, I’m not ready in that I still need to learn how to better put God above All others before I can rightly understand how to have another person above myself but still have God #1. Because if I can’t have a flawless God always above me, how can I have a flawed and sinful man in life and not let my will and wants control the relationship? My biggest fear about relationships is that I Will fail, and everyone’s exceptions of me will become true, and I know that with God leading me I can not fail unless I knowingly neglect and push aside all that I have work for and towards.

When I think about the day I’ll get married what makes me the most excited is thinking about what his reaction will be to the journal I keep with all the letters and prays for him and about him. The fact that he might read a page and look at the date it was written on and say “I was having a bad day that day!” or “that day was a big day in my life!”. It’s such a beautiful picture in my mind of that day, honestly I look forward to it more than the actual wedding!! I know I’ll never have the high school sweetheart story every girl dreams of, but I know that what God has planned for me is going to be Far better simply because it will be uniquely designed for me and my husband, and beyond that it will be God’s design for us!!

So while I wait and I will pray!!!

When No One Believes in You!!!

Let me just start by saying we’ve all felt like nobody believed in you at one point or another, and If by some chance you’ve never felt that way, you’re truly blessed!!! I will not name names, I do not intend for this post to hurt anyone! If something I say offends you I’m sorry!! I’ve had these words inside me for so long and I told myself that this year I’d be honest with myself and others, so here’s the honest truth……

I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere, I’ve always been the one standing to the side and just watching and waiting. Watching everyone be happy, getting what they’ve always dreamed of, getting that job, going to school, getting the guy. While I stood to the side and happily cheered them on, I’ve let so much time slip through my fingers watching others be happy and dreaming of the day I’d be that happy! People have always told me the same thing “Just wait on Gods timing, He knows what He’s doing”, I know He does but the watching and waiting is so hard right now!

I’m the friend from high school you’ve probably already forgotten about, while I think about you everyday. I was the friend who was so easily replaced when you got bored with our friendship, while I would cry myself to sleep wondering what I did to lose another friend who said they’d never leave. I was that weird girl who has tried so hard to hold onto a friendship that I knew was over, I knew you didn’t care and that you didn’t want me around, I knew. It became easy pretending I had no clue so I just never said a word, I sat back and watched so many people just walk out of my life. Then one day someone came into my life and I thought maybe they’ll mean it, maybe they won’t leave me behind while they move on and do amazing things. Maybe I’ll do amazing things with them by my side. Then its like one day I woke up and I don’t even know who that person is anymore, I still see them for time to time but it’s not the same, I look at them and think “Who are you, and where is my friend?” But that’s life right?!?!

I don’t wan that to be my life anymore!! I won’t to find that one place that feels like God made this place with me in mind, or that one person who gives me the same feeling!! That’s a crazy thing to pray for right?? I mean how can anyone ever really know? At this point in my life I’m so Lost, I don’t know what to do, or where to go. Who I should and shouldn’t be spending my time with, I mean I have some pretty awesome people in my life right but sometimes I still feel lost with them. I’ve struggled so much lately with my thoughts and prayers, pretty sure that’s cause at this point I’m positive no one is listening. I mean I finally find something I’m passionate about and only like 3 people have even acted like they cared.  I’m probably doing something wrong and just haven’t figured it out yet, or maybe I should just do what everyone seems to be waiting for me to do and just give up, move on to a different dream… But that’s the thing you see I don’t have any dreams left in me right now….

I’m too comfortable in where my life is now, but I’ve learned there’s a Huge difference between comfortable and content! You can be comfortable and still want more, still have a longing for that one thing you know is missing but be to “comfy” to get up and get it! I don’t want to be “comfy” anymore, in fact I want to be so uncomfortable that it makes me content! I want to look around and not see things I didn’t do, get, or even try for, I want to look around and think “WOW, look what God used me to do, look at all the people God used my story to help!” That’s what I want more than anything. Yet I can’t seem to find the words to convince people I’m serious, they don’t realize that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to do just that!! I’ll get a third job if I need, stay up all night working and turn around and work in the morning, sell everything I own. I’m done letting people thoughts hold me back from being me!! So you can either get on board, or just don’t speak to me again, I don’t need people who don’t believe in me or my mission in my life.

Because I really believe that this trip is what I need! I need to figure out who I am in Christ before I can be anything for anyone, and I’ve finally learned that I can’t do that with how my life is here. I need to get away from this “comfy reality” and throw myself into real life, and this is the only way I know how!! I know you’re thinking “That’s such a lame excuse!” It’s really not I promise! If there was something here left for me to do believe me I’d be doing it right now!! Right now there’s just nothing left for me here. I need to get out of this basic box I’ve put myself in and what a better way or time to do just that!! I really hope something I’ve said here has made you believe in me a little more, and if I not I totally understand. It’s a lot to ask of some people and I get that more than anyone!!

 

Why I Choose to Wait!!!!

I am 21 years old. I’ve only ever been in one relationship that lasted for about a month. It was nothing serious. During that time, my boyfriend never kissed me. It’s strange to admit, but I’m sitting here, single, not knowing what it feels like to have a first kiss and I’m okay with that!

If I said I’ve been patiently waiting, I’d be lying. I’m impatient. It seems like everyone around me is in a relationship, except for me. I’m tired of hearing about their movie nights and fun times and romantic dates. I hate walking behind my friends holding hands in the mall. I hate sitting next to my friends in relationships at church because I cringe when they hold hands. I envy my friends with solid, healthy relationships. I want that so bad.

It’s not that I can’t have that. In fact, many guys have wanted that relationship with me. They’ve tried to have that with me, to take friendship to the next level, etc. 9/10 times, I don’t see myself romantically being with that person. They’re funny, sure. Or maybe they’re really cute, talented, God-fearing and loyal. But can I see myself marrying this person? If I don’t see that, then why would I go into a relationship knowing it’s not going to work out anyway? It’s weird to think about, but as a Christian, I date with the intention of marriage. It can be a little messy when you’re a teenager, considering the concepts of marriage and wondering if you could see yourself marry a guy you very well may have just met. But that’s why I think it’s important to be good friends before seeking a romantic relationship – to know each other’s intentions, hearts, and mindsets.

I am a picky young lady. It’s frustrating more times than not. I see an attractive guy walk into my church for the first time and my eyes start working immediately. I explore friendship with guys and get to know them before I can even consider exploring a romantic relationship. Even after knowing them and learning their qualities, I’m still hesitant to date. Most people can know someone for a week and still be so quick to enter a relationship with them. But I don’t consider dating a game. It’s not something that I want to play with and see if it’ll “possibly work out.” I want to go into the relationship prayerfully, faithfully, trusting that this relationship will work out. If there’s any doubt of that, I won’t pursue the relationship. As a Christian, I have to keep my guard up and be careful who I let in because ultimately walking by the Spirit is going to get me further than following my heart.

To Christ, relationships are not just relationships – they’re courtships. For this reason, I choose to date someone with the same faith as me. It’s not that I’m judgmental and against any particular religion, but it’s the fact that Christ MUST be kept at the center of our relationship. If my boyfriend is not a Christian, then Christ certainly won’t be kept at the center. I want to have someone who is willing to pray for me, with me, worship with me, and have Bible studies with me. Most of the places I go to involve a church, and if my boyfriend didn’t go to church, then he wouldn’t get enjoyment out of those events. And I wouldn’t enjoy them as much without him there. I want a guy who is just as Spirit-filled as me.

My body is a temple of God. Therefore, I choose not to sleep around and give my body away to guys I know I will never end up staying with for the rest of my life. Biblically, that is not what God wants. Purity is so important to my Savior, and because I follow Him, it’s important to me. I’m saving myself for marriage. I’m a virgin, and I wear a purity ring to remind me of my vow. I’m not naive in the sense that I know I will be tempted to break this vow. Hormones come into play. But that’s why it’s CRITICAL I find a faithful, Christian man who has the same vow as me! If we both have the same vows, we will be able to help each other to keep those vows. Keeping my vow of virginity until marriage is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and it will be impossible to keep unless my boyfriend is on the same page as me.

I can’t wait for my wedding night, to think “Wow, my husband cared enough to wait for me.” This is why I’m glad my ex and I didn’t kiss. I don’t want to waste that kiss. It’s supposed to be beautiful, when it’s done with the right guy. I choose not to throw my lips around, or any other parts of my body. It’s hard, and I do get impatient, but I know that true love waits.

I know that God has the perfect person picked out for me. I trust Him with my life. I may feel lonely sometimes, and doubt that I was created with the purpose of creating my own family. Those are just my insecurities coming into play. If I know God has someone special saved for me, why rush His process? It’ll only end up in a lot of heartache, disappointment and pain that could’ve been avoided if I walk by the Spirit and not my heart’s desires. My body is a temple, and I choose to treat it like one. That is my vow.

It’s time to get this off my chest…. For me!!

Throughout this last week, it seems I have been bombarded with some things that have, in a way, rocked my boat. Between the craziness of an increasing work schedule, demanding life choices, my head has been spinning…both figuratively and literally. However, between all of the chaos and the anxieties, I cannot help but be filled with complete gratitude. Gratitude? It may seem odd, but yes, I am indeed in a state of complete thankfulness for everything in my life in this present moment. Because everything I have right now is shaping, molding, and forming me to be the person I seek to become.
The friendships that I’ve made, the connections I’ve made, the work experience that I’ve had, that’s just about the best things that have come of these last few years. I’m not meaning to complain about the few good things that have come of these years. I’m actually extremely grateful for those few aspects. The good aspects of these last few years are not what I want to focus on though. God has stretched and pulled me in so many ways that I have had to learn to say “no.” I have been shown that there are times when it is okay to turn down an offer so that another one can come around. Saying “yes” to what is in front of me is not always the best choice and I’ve learned that the hard way, and sometimes I need to take a step around the obstacle and wait to see what is beyond the horizon.
I have made many mistakes recently and also for a long time in the past. I saw myself as unworthy of respect, I lacked confidence, I became negative and worst of all, I stopped loving the person I was. I began to base my opinion of myself on what others thought of me. Somebody made a comment about my outfit? It didn’t mater that I liked it, it would never be worn again. Someone I considered a friend stopped talking to me? It had to be because of something I did or said. I placed blame on myself constantly and began to hate who I was. I stopped smiling at people I passed, stopped holding doors for the person behind me, stopped striking up conversations and laughing in the carefree way I used to. I stopped being the happiest version of myself that I used to love.
I looked in the mirror one day and thought, “I can’t go on like this.” And so I’m not going to.
You can either let comments from others or tragic events or whatever shape your life or you can shape your own life.
So, future me, listen up. I don’t know where you are going to be, what you’ll be doing, who you will be surrounded by or any of that. But I do know one thing. Please be happy. And I just want you to know that you will be okay. All the broken hearts you’ve endured, all the people who you have momentarily or permanently lost in your life, and all the countless nights sitting in bed just waiting for the next thing to go wrong will be the backbone of who you have yet to become. Life will never become easy and once you accept that you will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders. You are meant to be who you are during these moments in order to change and transform to who you will develop into. Never wish for a dull day because those days will be lost opportunities to learn. Love yourself as you are but never settle for anything less than you can become. I hope you look at yourself in the mirror and love what you see. I hope you get up in the morning and drive to the job of your dreams. I hope you have a cute dog and nice clothes and the car you want.
But most of all, I hope you didn’t let the struggles of life change you for good. Nothing is worth looking at yourself differently over. And if you want to be different, if you want to be better, make the change happen. Don’t wait for someone else to force you to change. Change for yourself.